It's looking like another lonely night

It's looking like another lonely night,
Life never makes its' self right,
resting now, head on a pillow,

 As I make friends with the ceiling fan,tears suddenly appear,
Even though I don't know how to feel
Ooh Just like last year,
I find myself sittin here
Worrying if ill be, in the mornin Hoping myself, I'll get a chance to make life right,
But now my thoughts are even leaving,
I'm bedridden,

Ooh Leave me alone , I'm keeping my head hidden,
People like us, we don't ever fit in,
But at least our beds let us live with them,
So we know we all have at least one friend,
That seems to be a trend with the bedridden, Whether its a parent or a spouse they care and you know you'll see the end.

I dream about bending this bed through time
And sending myself to the day I wake up without Lyme
It's about then that I hear a chime
Open my eyes to realize the crime
My mind has committed

Me, to climb out of this awakenin misery,
If I was smart I'd learn from history
Brains crying wolf, think I'd learn this story,
I'm not lemon, I'm Lyme
Wish I was him all the time
Wish I was him but I'm mine,
Wish I was him, can't press rewind,

Till my mind creeps slowly to sleep
And I'm in my dreams down deep,
Where not only me, but the whole world seems to live without a care,
I even saw a seal playing with a polar bear,'
Man I wish I could stay down there Fan, ceiling, I'm staring again,
Looks like another lonely night again

Doubts

I'm sensing the doubts people
Have about me,
Think I ain't trying hard enough?
Did I forget to mention all the tension devouring my body and wrenching my soul,
Must have, forgetful

People worry, and they should,
But not enough to force an intervention,
I'm going to do what I want to do
So shut your mouth and if you really want to help then treat me like anyone else,

I don't bathe, I don't shave and I have all this pent up rage,
But I act around you, and I do it well, I think my act sells,

Until I'm back in my own car or house and then I turn to my wife and try to keep my eyes dry until we can make it home, to be alone so I can push this rock up that massive mountain again.

Can't tell you how many times it's been,
But if you look at me you can tell  I'm thin,
Pushed that rock up so many times you think I'd have one win,
But my rewards been more pushing, and a few coins in a cup of tin,

Did I forget to mention all the tension devouring my body and wrenching my soul

I haven't eaten in days, don't need to, always full,
Pumpkin pie even bores me now, all food is dull,
When I'm asked to eat I'd rather drill a hole in my head,
Is life worth it or is it easier being dead?
That's a fine line to be on, as thin as thread,
No longer caring about your daily bread,
Instead your head flies in circles from all those meds,
I dread the thought of standing up
Cuz I might drop dead

Jun9 2012

JL

Not complaining. Another 48 hrs with no sleep?

Ya know how everyone asks "how are you?" when your sick. Well if you really want to know, keep reading but if you are just being curteous the my response is "I'm alive," as I ponder whether or not I really am.
Yes I think it is highly likely that I will be completely wired to the point where I can't sleep even for one minute. Last night I was lucky to get one hour of sleep which was nice because it felt like four. I'm so used to waking up every five minutes when I do sleep that when I saw I had slept an hour I was happy, and sad. Suffering. An hour is not long enough to sleep. Sleep will always eventually come to save you from your Nightmare life. Most of the time sleep lets my brain take a break from the chronic annoyance of the pain I feel everywhere. Even the most terrifying dreams bring relief as they completely distract my mind from the physical, emotional and mental anguish.

Oh Happy Easter!

After my one hour of sleep yesterday I woke up and took my long list of medications and went to Church. It is so hard for me to sit through church that it feels like im becoming an Easter/Christmas only Mormon. I barely made it from the car to a pew and that's when I knew I was herxing again, after two weeks of iv rocephin a few days of doxycycline, valtrex, diflucan. Will soon be starting mepron and when I gain a few pounds I have to start the antibiotic from outer darkness; Erythromycin. Today has been my second worst day of herxing, falling behind to my herx after taking erythromycin. I have three witnesses of that herx who will attest that I was inches from death that day.
Back to Easter though, I went to church seeking something. Probably hope. And to get all the welcome backs and cheek pinching out of the way. I just moved back into the ward I spent 18 years of my life in so I thought that for sure I would be stuck in the chapel for an hour saying hi and shaking hands with people who had prayed and fasted for me. Luckily I must have looked physically awful and people understood that I was in no shape to chat or have my hands swell up from bone crushing hand shakes. I can barely open my chapstick by myself so I'm not going to shake hands firmly with anyone. I was grateful because people acknowledged us and smiled and knew that we needed to get home. I really appreciate that kind of respect to someone's privacy. I was coherent about the first fifteen minutes of church and as we walked in I saw my non blood brothers mom, looked at me and could tell I was not well then she smiled and got up and bore an honest testimony about sorrow and misery, betrayal and guilt. She has lived in hell and darkness and I think she bore that testimony just for me. She would never be the type to sit me down and say all those things, but I still knew she was talking to me.

I went to church seeking something. Something is what I got, but I could never explain it because even I don't know what I think that something was.

Her testimony is about all I remember, except a few people saying hi as we slowly left the building as I creeped back to the car. One guy even had the nerve to poke me as he shouted "hey, good to see you."
Oh man did that hurt especially with this herx. I immediately responded "you can't do that to me," as I grabbed my side in agony.

I got home and laid out in the sun(with long sleeves and pants) even though I know the sun is not great for me right now it just feels so good to be warm sometimes. So I get really warm as I try to protect most of my skin with clothing.

After roasting in the sun for awhile I stumbled back inside and plopped onto the big blue couch where I remained for the next 4 hours before I absolutely could not bare the joint pain even with strong medicine and strong anti anxiety meds as my skin was crawling like I was going to live through another opiate withdrawal.

So I crawled up the stairs and soaked in a hot bath and read. Finally a little joint pain is leaving my body.
I got into bed and continued reading and I could not concentrate so I laid in bed unable to sleep in a half coma, aware of everything around me but having absolutely no thoughts running through my mind. I stayed in bed for four hours this way before my wife shook me out of it and I was able to get up and take more pills and try to eat.

Some nice friends of ours in the ward brought us dinner and I held it down!
Not much else has happened since then, just been trying to layer natural sleeping aids hoping eventually ill find some rest. Pretty sure I will make it 48 hours with no sleep for the second time in two weeks, in your human time. Feels like two decades to me.

Is there any other way?

Although my future could still be dim or bright

I'm done stressing about the end of the show 
I've had dozens of doctors guessing which way I should go
It's taught me one thing I want you to know

Trust yourself, your enemies are stealthy 
When all feels lost and you are unhealthy
I promise you'd trade anything, even living wealthy

Doctors offer up a helping hand to extend 
But it's made up, all pretend
As you beg for your body to mend 

Have you ever felt like the Haitian's after an earthquake? 
There's a reason we're called "patients," mines nearly out, I only keep on for family sake
Sitting in their waiting room stations I'd wonder what mine would be like if I soon had a wake. 

Is there any other way?
You got answers? Let me know

When we are born we all start dying
Some of us are called to do a lot more crying
Like our tears are being siphoned 
Resistance is futile, I ain't lying
Out of our eyes salty drops come flying

I force myself to believe there is a purpose 
Especially when it's not apparent on the surface
Often the pain is in too much surplus

It's the one thing that makes my game change
Can't cope with the wider emotional range
I feel looney and all deranged

Is there any other way? Got answers? You know what to do

Stand up proud and shout the truth
Join me before more of us lose our youth
No you say, fine I'll box them bare knuckle, it's okay, I'm willing to lose a tooth

Or two,
When I know what is just and true
Helping others and myself escape the blues
Wondering when our bills will say "no more dues" 

To be paid,  you fought and you stayed
When you could you played, but it brought you to your knees in pain, perfect position for praying, 
But your body usually ended up laying
I've prayed and I'm just saying

It's hard to let go and look above
First you must think and say "God...? What's up?" 

It is okay to question Him
He has heard it again and again
Even from His own Son 
Who asked if there was another way for His work to be done
So state all your doubts, shout and scream them loud
That is how answers come about
Turn in your card that reads, "proud"
Go. Follow Him, away from the crowd
The Savior was perfect and He asked God too, so I know he won't mind when you do. 

"Heavenly Father, is there any other way to finish what You want me to do, or is this the only way for me to return to You?" 

Ticked Off

Ticked off

I think its about time I write this rhyme 
When I'm done I'll see you in hell Lyme. 
Four years to be confined 
As a prisoner in my own body, trapped in my dreary room,
Left to my thoughts of imminent doom,
Stuck in my black hole of gloom.
That hole is mine, and ONLY MINE
No one could ever find it even if they followed the signs.
It's too dark for the human eye to see,
Which is why I am the only one that can find that black abyss.
You'd walk feet away from it and still have it missed.
I watch as others pass by and can't help being pissed. 
How did I get sucked in?
I was busily engaged in a good cause,
Now every night I pray my heart will pause,
When it doesn't I want to end my life with my own claws.

Think I could scratch hard enough to bleed out? 

If you consider that I'm a pout
Say it to my face, I'll educate you with a quick shout.
Tell me you know how I feel and I'll laugh in your face.
Say it again and I'd make sure my pain would be real to you.
If only my fists could cause as much pain as I am in,
I'd use them to get back at some doctors
Who'd rather let me die then fight this disease with me and win. 
What happened to that Oath? 
I have kept mine, is it wrong to feel deserving of a reward, relief or both?
Or wrong to be angry at receiving neither? I don't think so,
But you might feel I'm bitter.
Let's talk after your life's been in the shitter.
Good riddance til then and have a simple life.
I hope we never talk and you won't have to live with this strife. 

Torment

Have you ever been so depressed
That you couldn't ever express
The things making you stressed?

Everyone's mind needs time to rest
Waking in pain makes mine assess
If I can, myself, get dressed

Disease makes emotions opressed
So it's about time I confess
Please understand, did my best

At the beginning I progressed
Just what went wrong? Did I transgress?
Went downhill fast, now life's messed

Started in joints, just as a pest
The pain caused me to re-address
And then make a rash request

Doc, pain meds? My brain is posessed
And it will stay like this, unless
You can help my pain arrest

"Yes, no one needs to live distressed,
Hurting is something to suppress
To keep a smile while you quest"

First time was magic, I felt blessed
I'm no longer forced to obsess
Meds have my torment compressed

Spoke to soon, thought pain had recessed
Cuz I'd suddenly felt success
My body was not distressed

No one informed me of the rest
All I heard was, "you will hurt less,"
Take more then, why not, I guessed

So far had my body digressed
Needed my wife's help to undress
Mentally sucked to digest

What to do with tightness in chest?
One more pill will make it depress
Without anguish, I've got zest

If I'da known, would have been pissed
Why'd they even suggest this?
Pain relief was all I wished

But that isn't what my life dished
I ponder now and reminisce
All those times scratching my wrists

I was cautioned, but I dismissed
Swallow more and you will miss
Out on life, you'll just exist

When they wear off, you can't resist
Opposite of eternal bliss
Just want to unclench your fists.

Withdrawals can not be dismissed
It is like a death eata kiss
Symptoms are too long to list

Now that I know I must persist
That even with my one last wish
Don't use those things to assist.

No matter how bad you are pained
I've been there too, you can abstain
Drugs leave nothing to be gained

Life becomes permanently stained
When white ovals control your brain
Your thoughts cannot be contained

Always blowing, just like the wind
All this torment has made me thin
Never double-take again

I'm back again, and here to win

China Invades Monaco?

Imagine your body as an actual nation. Monaco perhaps? Monaco happens to be the world's smallest country besides Vatican City, but we will ignore that because of a population count of zero. So your body is the world's smallest nation, with a population of 32,000 live and active "citizens," or cells. We will assume generously that half of them are fit and able to fight in an active military. Now imagine that your entire "fit and able," 16,000 troops are blind and autistic, but otherwise in good health and taken care of. The women, children and elder folks are there to help ease the lives of the troops. These blind autistic troops used to be healthy as oxen and could have carried the memory of your nation into the eternities of the history books. They had dreams of liberating others from their afflictions, and in the blink of an eye their afflictions had become too great to bare on their own. Thus leaving the responsibility of their care in the hands of their loved ones while they continue to try, and might I add fail, to provide for preside and protect their loyal caretakers.

If you have any sort of an imagination you would now feel completely lost, incredibly alone and guilty as you suddenly find yourself questioning the reasoning the "Founding Father" used when He created your humble forgotten little nation. You would devote much of your attention to wondering if other nations had the same thoughts about their Maker's. Constant thoughts cloud your mind with daydreams of being a bigger better buffer nation. A lot of you reading this are very faithful people who have persevered through terrible calamities and you would never question the "Founding Father" of your personal sacred Monaco. I commend you. I am an extremely natural man and am incapable of controlling my thoughts to that point. There are others of you out there reading this that will understand and remember that moment in your existence where the most carnal and evil of thoughts started to enter your mind. If you are anything like me, I can only understand that feeling now. I no longer remember the moment when invading nations started to plant ideas in my head about my creator. Not being able to see those enemy troops or communicate with any of my fellow soldiers only ensured the imminent success of the invader's suttle attempts at inception.

Jump ahead three years and you finally determine the nationality of the invading troops. It was hard for you to work out in your brain where they came from because you have difficulty communicating with others in the western world called the "Land of Hellthcare." In this land there are many false idols and prophets preaching promises of healing and comfort. They sell their promises for money and chronically guess wrong at the nationality of your invading enemies. They speak of their high education and easiness of life, "We can do more for you then your Founding Father," some of them say. It is extremely hard to understand them at first because they speak in a funny accent, and I can only comprehend about every fourth word. Eventually I learn to speak with them and read their written languages. Something finally comes up in their documents that is good. The one good thing that came from learning to speak MD was that it led me to my point of enlightenment on the identity of my invaders: 1.3 Billion Borrelia Burgdorferi Bastard's from another one of the world's nations. China, and the power of it's overwhelming military have been invading your body. It has been an ongoing process for three years. They reproduce frequently. Their military tactics are revolutionary, as if war is an art to them. You oughta believe they are successful at what they do after living and attacking every citizen in your nation undetected for three years.

Borrelia Burgdorferi is the infectious bacteria that causes lyme disease. This blog will tell the story of my life and fight with this incredible world war like disease. It has left my previously healthy Monaco in a state that reminds one of the aftermath of Hiroshima. If you are easily offended I advise you to not read future posts. To my loved ones, especially my wife, I apologize for the evil secret thoughts that have been planted in my mind. I am not one to place blame. This time however the source of my thoughts come from the decamation that has taken place in my body. A spirit and a body together creates a living breathing soul. My body has been nuked. Half of what makes me me is burrowed in the shambles of an atomic bomb explosion. Barely living, hoping one day that my spirit will be strong enough to rejuvenate my body and bring my soul back to light and life.